Thursday, 19 March 2009
The Doubly Whammy. Part II
No excuse this time. Just been caught up in the tediums of life and once again neglected my civil duties. So once again I've hopefully made up for it by posting two brand new blogs for you very kind people to indulge yourselves in. I hope you enjoy them, and I promise I won't take so long next time.
5 Ways to Not Get Beaten Up on a Night Out
I mentioned in my last smattering of blogs that I was going to talk about 'a couple of choice kicks to the head by some psychotic fuckbag.' Well the waiting is finally over. Hold on to your hats because you really don't want to loose them.
First of all the serious bit. Outside a pub on a Friday night a guy approached my friend and without warning punched him round the jaw. I jumped in and subsequently blacked out from the whole event. When I came to I was covered in blood and another of my friends was pulling me along the pavement whilst a group of guys ran in all directions. When i stood up the guy who was initially hit was in a bit of shock and another of my friends was bleeding from a headbutt. Three guys had attacked me on my own and punch and kicked me several times in the face, from which I luckily only suffered cuts and bruises to the face and head and a massive concussion (pussies!)
It wasn't the funnest thing in the world. Violence is very very rarely necessary, and this was completely unprovoked. A few of the attackers have been caught and hopefully they'll get what they deserve. So with that out the way without further a do I present:
5 WAYS TO NOT GET BEATEN UP ON A NIGHT OUT
1. Don't draw attention to yourself. We were having a great night at the time but didn't exactly keep a low profile. There was a house band playing and for some reason the only song we wanted to hear was a cover of 70's soft rockers TOTO's immortal hit 'Africa'. The house band did not know said power ballad, but that didn't stop us yelling 'AFFRRRIIICCCCAAAA' during every gap. It was kind of like shouting 'We will rock you!' during a Bjork gig. This was rather foolish but the band and most of the patrons didn't seem to mind. But jut in case their are psychos mixed in its probably best not to do it.
2. Don't be tall. I know its hard to help but if you are a taller gentlemen try sellotaping shoes to your knees to pass off that your actually small. You'd be amazed how alcohol can blur depth perception. That the fact that this seemingly short legged gentleman has another leg growing out of his heel will only make people avoid you.
Actually for the record if you want to completely avoid being beaten up don't be Black, Oriental, Asian, ginger, Gay or Jewish. Just make sure you're white and of average height you'll be fine.
3. Do not, whatever you do, talk to anyone of the opposite sex. Even if the girl is your friend and she came out with you ignore her. Because people like our friends the psycho's will want to fuck said girls, and they can't be fucking them if you're talking to them. If you feel bad for not talking to them at the very least scowl and pretend that you hate her and aren't interested in anything she has to say. DON'T camp it up for reasons specified above.
4. Don't laugh or appear to be having fun. People will take it the wrong way, say 'what're you laughing at mate?' and punch you in the face. For heavens sake if you go out I cannot stress how important it is to be miserable. stand in the corner with a look on your face that says that you would much rather be at home in bed furiously masturbating to Babestation. Actually on second thoughts...
5. Don't go out! Cos they can't get you when you're in your house. Furiously masturbating. To Babestation.
Of course I'm joking. When it comes to these types of people, if it wasn't me and my friends it would've been another group of guys who just wanted a good night. Fuck 'em. They're just going to end up in jail or, hopefully, pick on the wrong people one time and have to make their own trip to A&E.
One more thing. If you think that you may get into a fight, don't wear a hat that you love. It'll mean that if you get hit and the hat falls off in your dazed state you'll just end up groping aimlessly around on the floor and looking rather idiotic.
First of all the serious bit. Outside a pub on a Friday night a guy approached my friend and without warning punched him round the jaw. I jumped in and subsequently blacked out from the whole event. When I came to I was covered in blood and another of my friends was pulling me along the pavement whilst a group of guys ran in all directions. When i stood up the guy who was initially hit was in a bit of shock and another of my friends was bleeding from a headbutt. Three guys had attacked me on my own and punch and kicked me several times in the face, from which I luckily only suffered cuts and bruises to the face and head and a massive concussion (pussies!)
It wasn't the funnest thing in the world. Violence is very very rarely necessary, and this was completely unprovoked. A few of the attackers have been caught and hopefully they'll get what they deserve. So with that out the way without further a do I present:
5 WAYS TO NOT GET BEATEN UP ON A NIGHT OUT
1. Don't draw attention to yourself. We were having a great night at the time but didn't exactly keep a low profile. There was a house band playing and for some reason the only song we wanted to hear was a cover of 70's soft rockers TOTO's immortal hit 'Africa'. The house band did not know said power ballad, but that didn't stop us yelling 'AFFRRRIIICCCCAAAA' during every gap. It was kind of like shouting 'We will rock you!' during a Bjork gig. This was rather foolish but the band and most of the patrons didn't seem to mind. But jut in case their are psychos mixed in its probably best not to do it.
2. Don't be tall. I know its hard to help but if you are a taller gentlemen try sellotaping shoes to your knees to pass off that your actually small. You'd be amazed how alcohol can blur depth perception. That the fact that this seemingly short legged gentleman has another leg growing out of his heel will only make people avoid you.
Actually for the record if you want to completely avoid being beaten up don't be Black, Oriental, Asian, ginger, Gay or Jewish. Just make sure you're white and of average height you'll be fine.
3. Do not, whatever you do, talk to anyone of the opposite sex. Even if the girl is your friend and she came out with you ignore her. Because people like our friends the psycho's will want to fuck said girls, and they can't be fucking them if you're talking to them. If you feel bad for not talking to them at the very least scowl and pretend that you hate her and aren't interested in anything she has to say. DON'T camp it up for reasons specified above.
4. Don't laugh or appear to be having fun. People will take it the wrong way, say 'what're you laughing at mate?' and punch you in the face. For heavens sake if you go out I cannot stress how important it is to be miserable. stand in the corner with a look on your face that says that you would much rather be at home in bed furiously masturbating to Babestation. Actually on second thoughts...
5. Don't go out! Cos they can't get you when you're in your house. Furiously masturbating. To Babestation.
Of course I'm joking. When it comes to these types of people, if it wasn't me and my friends it would've been another group of guys who just wanted a good night. Fuck 'em. They're just going to end up in jail or, hopefully, pick on the wrong people one time and have to make their own trip to A&E.
One more thing. If you think that you may get into a fight, don't wear a hat that you love. It'll mean that if you get hit and the hat falls off in your dazed state you'll just end up groping aimlessly around on the floor and looking rather idiotic.
First Impressions
Back when I was a fresh face 16 year old, before a mixture of Radiohead records, alcohol and the death of my beloved childhood dog Stanley turned me into the bitter fuck I am today, I was so keen to make new friends I literally thought everyone I met was a genius who was worthy of my time. I remember going on my first holiday with a big group of friends down to Polzeath. For those of you not familiar with his charming little Cornwall village it is the place where a huge number of private school kids get away to to generally rebel, mostly by throwing up after drinking too much Smirnoff Ice and shagging people it later turns out are their cousins. But I digress.
At this time most of my friends didn't judge people on their first impressions. We really were a tremendously friendly bunch to everyone we met, even if a lot of the people we met down their would terminate the conversation as soon as we revealed we didn't go to private school. The first impression we gave to these future professional trust fund spenders was that we were probably not good enough to hang around with them. The ones that didn't think like that ended up loving us, and we had some increasingly out of control nights out (it still amazes me we were allowed to go away unsupervised at 16)
One of my friends wasn't as friendly. After our first night out in which we'd befriended a bare-footed stranger, who within about 20 minutes of drinking games decided to go bare-everything. Said character turned up at our place in the morning to borrow our shower. 'Who the fuck is that twat?' my friend eloquently asked once the bare-footed man was indisposed. 'Mate you'll love him!' I replied. 'Seems like a prize bell-end to me!' The other day my friend turned round to me and said 'What ever happened to [bare-footed man] that guy was a fucking legend!' What would've happened if my friend had followed through with his first impressions? He would not have had the memories and good times, and that little holiday wouldn't have been anywhere near as good for him.
Fast forward 7 years and I'm sad to say I've become him. I can't bloody help it! I meet someone new and it takes me a long time to give them a chance, usually I'll just ignore them all together. I honestly don't mean to do it, but I've noticed it coming the other way as well. Why is this?
I'm not talking about first impressions on looks or appearance. I'm sure Hitler didn't judge Jews on their personality, I'm sure the social elite don't judge the working class by their views on the hunt and I'm sure not every good looking girl I see just happened to be much more friendly and learned then the not so good looking ones. I'm talking about first impressions on social interactions
I wonder whether its just comes down to how people tick. Everyone has a particular type of person that rubs them up the wrong way. I was coming out of a pub the other day for a cigarette whilst two girls waited the other side of the door. I then failed to hold the door open for them and as they squeezed past me one of them rather unsubtly muttered 'fucking cunt.' When I went back into the pub it turns out they were going to meet with the same group I was with. The one who called me a cunt didn't even look at me for the rest of the night. So I'm guessing for her not being chivalrous is 'the' thing that rubs her up the wrong way. Hey! I'm a nice guy!
One thing I have noticed is the age thing. Thinking back to when I was 16 up till today I seem to have got worse and worse as I've got older with these irrational judgements. I'm not sure whether it's just me. But thinking about being at school when the girls would go out with the older lads, was it because we were little twerps, or did the older guys just judge us for being little twerps and consequently steer the girls well clear of us.
I don't know maybe I'm clutching at straws to cover up my own social retardation. But I think back to that holiday when I was 16 and do start to think about all the potentially missed opportunities. And if I am not alone, which I'm sure I'm not, then lets give each other a chance and go create some memories.
At this time most of my friends didn't judge people on their first impressions. We really were a tremendously friendly bunch to everyone we met, even if a lot of the people we met down their would terminate the conversation as soon as we revealed we didn't go to private school. The first impression we gave to these future professional trust fund spenders was that we were probably not good enough to hang around with them. The ones that didn't think like that ended up loving us, and we had some increasingly out of control nights out (it still amazes me we were allowed to go away unsupervised at 16)
One of my friends wasn't as friendly. After our first night out in which we'd befriended a bare-footed stranger, who within about 20 minutes of drinking games decided to go bare-everything. Said character turned up at our place in the morning to borrow our shower. 'Who the fuck is that twat?' my friend eloquently asked once the bare-footed man was indisposed. 'Mate you'll love him!' I replied. 'Seems like a prize bell-end to me!' The other day my friend turned round to me and said 'What ever happened to [bare-footed man] that guy was a fucking legend!' What would've happened if my friend had followed through with his first impressions? He would not have had the memories and good times, and that little holiday wouldn't have been anywhere near as good for him.
Fast forward 7 years and I'm sad to say I've become him. I can't bloody help it! I meet someone new and it takes me a long time to give them a chance, usually I'll just ignore them all together. I honestly don't mean to do it, but I've noticed it coming the other way as well. Why is this?
I'm not talking about first impressions on looks or appearance. I'm sure Hitler didn't judge Jews on their personality, I'm sure the social elite don't judge the working class by their views on the hunt and I'm sure not every good looking girl I see just happened to be much more friendly and learned then the not so good looking ones. I'm talking about first impressions on social interactions
I wonder whether its just comes down to how people tick. Everyone has a particular type of person that rubs them up the wrong way. I was coming out of a pub the other day for a cigarette whilst two girls waited the other side of the door. I then failed to hold the door open for them and as they squeezed past me one of them rather unsubtly muttered 'fucking cunt.' When I went back into the pub it turns out they were going to meet with the same group I was with. The one who called me a cunt didn't even look at me for the rest of the night. So I'm guessing for her not being chivalrous is 'the' thing that rubs her up the wrong way. Hey! I'm a nice guy!
One thing I have noticed is the age thing. Thinking back to when I was 16 up till today I seem to have got worse and worse as I've got older with these irrational judgements. I'm not sure whether it's just me. But thinking about being at school when the girls would go out with the older lads, was it because we were little twerps, or did the older guys just judge us for being little twerps and consequently steer the girls well clear of us.
I don't know maybe I'm clutching at straws to cover up my own social retardation. But I think back to that holiday when I was 16 and do start to think about all the potentially missed opportunities. And if I am not alone, which I'm sure I'm not, then lets give each other a chance and go create some memories.
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