5 Ways to Not Get Beaten Up on a Night Out

I mentioned in my last smattering of blogs that I was going to talk about 'a couple of choice kicks to the head by some psychotic fuckbag.' Well the waiting is finally over. Hold on to your hats because you really don't want to loose them.

First of all the serious bit. Outside a pub on a Friday night a guy approached my friend and without warning punched him round the jaw. I jumped in and subsequently blacked out from the whole event. When I came to I was covered in blood and another of my friends was pulling me along the pavement whilst a group of guys ran in all directions. When i stood up the guy who was initially hit was in a bit of shock and another of my friends was bleeding from a headbutt. Three guys had attacked me on my own and punch and kicked me several times in the face, from which I luckily only suffered cuts and bruises to the face and head and a massive concussion (pussies!)

It wasn't the funnest thing in the world. Violence is very very rarely necessary, and this was completely unprovoked. A few of the attackers have been caught and hopefully they'll get what they deserve. So with that out the way without further a do I present:

5 WAYS TO NOT GET BEATEN UP ON A NIGHT OUT

1. Don't draw attention to yourself. We were having a great night at the time but didn't exactly keep a low profile. There was a house band playing and for some reason the only song we wanted to hear was a cover of 70's soft rockers TOTO's immortal hit 'Africa'. The house band did not know said power ballad, but that didn't stop us yelling 'AFFRRRIIICCCCAAAA' during every gap. It was kind of like shouting 'We will rock you!' during a Bjork gig. This was rather foolish but the band and most of the patrons didn't seem to mind. But jut in case their are psychos mixed in its probably best not to do it.

2. Don't be tall. I know its hard to help but if you are a taller gentlemen try sellotaping shoes to your knees to pass off that your actually small. You'd be amazed how alcohol can blur depth perception. That the fact that this seemingly short legged gentleman has another leg growing out of his heel will only make people avoid you.

Actually for the record if you want to completely avoid being beaten up don't be Black, Oriental, Asian, ginger, Gay or Jewish. Just make sure you're white and of average height you'll be fine.

3. Do not, whatever you do, talk to anyone of the opposite sex. Even if the girl is your friend and she came out with you ignore her. Because people like our friends the psycho's will want to fuck said girls, and they can't be fucking them if you're talking to them. If you feel bad for not talking to them at the very least scowl and pretend that you hate her and aren't interested in anything she has to say. DON'T camp it up for reasons specified above.

4. Don't laugh or appear to be having fun. People will take it the wrong way, say 'what're you laughing at mate?' and punch you in the face. For heavens sake if you go out I cannot stress how important it is to be miserable. stand in the corner with a look on your face that says that you would much rather be at home in bed furiously masturbating to Babestation. Actually on second thoughts...

5. Don't go out! Cos they can't get you when you're in your house. Furiously masturbating. To Babestation.

Of course I'm joking. When it comes to these types of people, if it wasn't me and my friends it would've been another group of guys who just wanted a good night. Fuck 'em. They're just going to end up in jail or, hopefully, pick on the wrong people one time and have to make their own trip to A&E.

One more thing. If you think that you may get into a fight, don't wear a hat that you love. It'll mean that if you get hit and the hat falls off in your dazed state you'll just end up groping aimlessly around on the floor and looking rather idiotic.