Fantasy Football Forums

I know, I know! A new blog only a week after the last one! It's basically because I have no life. I'm currently watching Britains Got Talent for goodness sake! (Jamie Pugh's lost it!) Now I didn't write most of the content I'm about to present. I have been aided by several friends of mine. Lets set the scene. Basically I take part in an online fantasy football league with a group of my friends and there is a forum which everyone writes on. If you don't like football bear with it as its not about football really at all. I also need to point out that the views expressed are entirely fictional and the people that wrote them are not like that. So without further ado here are the Lamb Invitational forums. Enjoy!

10th September 12.41
New Team Hatchmiester chairman Shakleberry Gizlington has expressed shock and dissapointment at the start which his fellow Ramsbury clubs have made in the world famous Lamb Invitational. 'Its an embaressment! last season 4 of the top 5 were Ramsbury teams. this season so far all of the bottom 6 are ramsbury boys! they're giving the village an awful name!' He went on to attack the new boys The Super Toads. 'Flash in the pan. thats all they are. a glorified flash in the pan almost like the darkness! they'll be at the bottom quicker then you can say Guntadon!' So far no other club has been available for comment.

10th September 18.59
New chairman of whack hammer united fc, Hank Olof Berserker, known by many as H.O.B especially by his best mate 'GAS lipstick' (the drummer from H.I.M) would like to take this opportunity to formally introduce himself. Hi. Apparently Hob has replied to Shakleberry gizlington over the phone to "see you next tuesday". "These are still early days and one must not dither on early standings in the championship race as things could change as quickly as Michael Jacksons next horrendous face lift!"A rather rude remark from the newby also suggested that he was disappointed with the rising number of gunts on show at football matches. His reasons suggested that more seats were being taken up by bigger people who were taking up two seats and restricting the number of ticket sales which is restricting the profits that should end up in his back pocket for a spot of gambling or a trip to Amsterdam for him to enjoy himself.

11th September 17.51
Glazed Ham FC's new owner/chairman Jewish billionaire Dr Jeremiah Hamsteinberg has officially completed his takeover of the club. Hamsteinberg made his fortune in his international ham trading company, known as 'Ham-Corp', who incidentally will be the club's shirt sponsor this season. Upon hearing about Gizlington's outburst, Hamsteinberg kindly replied "I fully agree with Mr Gizlington. As two time champions, this club has a responsibility represent the village in a positive manner. I intend to talk with the manager and provide him with funds in order to take the club back to where it belongs. Right at the top !". Rapturous applause followed from all the journalists, who were obviously impressed by the rich Jew. Dr Hamsteinberg has recently outlined plans for takeaway glazed ham stalls at all Lamb invitational games, as well as plans to help the club establish itself as the most famous club in the whole of Wiltshire.
Chief football writer, Benjamin Baconscrot, GHTV

19th October 17.09
"I fucked up" were the clear words from the half Swedish half Texan chairman of whack hammer united fc last night whilst discussing the current season on the late edition of filthy soccer radio. His disappointment was shown along with his new first team coach and HOBs close friend Gas Lipstick (the drummer from H.I.M),who also stated that the decision to leave danger man zaki out of the squad replaced by Carlton Cole was about as helpful as giving Gary glitter the keys to a nursery.
More to follow on filthy soccer radio.

27th October 11.32
We will prevail!",this is the message that headlined the Pogatetz Gazzette this morning after The Super Toads have now risen and returned to the position in which none can argue they rightfully deserve. Manager "Bertie Bullfrog" was every bit the optimistic and charasmatic figure we know and love in his post match interview, although some did not appreciate remarks made towards faultering rivals "Team Hatchmeister" due to their obscene content, this is the war cry of a highly competitive and successful coach. Time will only tell which of the chasing pack have what it takes to challenge the "Bullforg-Super toad" combination that contains such knowledge and quality.
Rodney Marsh,St Matts sports review

27th October 13.59
Team Hatchmiester chairman Shakleberry Gizlington has responded to Bertie Bullfrogs comments aim towards his team with the calm and composure you'd expect from a 3 time world darts champion. 'I learnt from my days at the old lakeside that if someone tries to get in your face you should just turn the other cheek... unless they have darts in there hand.' Gizzlington went on to say 'The Supertoads are everything thats wrong about this great sport. brash, cocky and most importantly overconfident. we'll see who's on top come the end of the season.' He also used the words 'twisted little fuck' and 'i saw him felate his grandfather once' but this was off the record so therefore not publishable.
Stelios Von Collander, Southville Football Frenzy Fanzine

7th November 18.15
Glazed Ham Weekly - the informative ham magazine £2.50This week in Glazed Ham Weekly, "How Cured Ham Cured My Cancer".
PLUS interesting conspiracy theories, such as there actually being millions of pounds worth of Glazed Jew Ham stolen from the Nazi's and kept in Swiss banks.
LEGEND of the Pork sword. An Ancient tale suspects that beneath Buckingham Palace there is actually an ancient shrine to Glazed Ham guarded for generations by the Queens ancestory. It is said that deep underneath the palace lays the legendary Pork Sword. Legend says that the one who slays the Queen with the Pork Sword will reign as King and live forever.
EXCLUSIVE interviews with Glazed Ham FC chairman Dr Jeremiah Hamsteinberg on his teams slow start and the Glazed Ham Guzzler himself Marlon Harewood talks about how glazed ham changed his life.
Steven Sausagerington, Editor of Glazed Ham Weekly

9 December 13.10
A spokesman for the Bottom Of The Table Owners and Managers union (BOTTOM) roundly condemned calls from some managers for Jack Chatfield to withdraw his team. In response to Joe Skeaping's request for a 'case for the defence', he retorted that 'perhaps those against Chatfield should look at his performance for the last gameweek. He came fourth'.The spokesman also reacted angrily to James Leake's claim of 'being mid table', saying 'he's one of us', and added that 'no one wants to be part of BOTTOM but we're there for when things go wrong. Some of the managers who have had some luck recently may be joining us fairly soon'. In a thinly-veiled reference to the unlikely stint at the top for Joe's Mercenaries, he reminded the press conference of 'the well known saying in football: pride comes before a Skeaping'

9 December 14.54
As Chatfield-gate enters its second week, Mercenaries Chairperson Gladys Muckraker shrugged off demands to restrain her intemperate language and conduct, issuing a further attack on the struggling manager Jack Chatfield. 'I don't know who the fuck he is', said the foul-mouthed millionairess from Birkenhead, 'but I wouldn't piss on the bastard if he was on fire.' Meanwhile she celebrated the Mercenaries strong start to the campaign by throwing big piles of cash into the air and shouting, in comments directed at an unknown club manager, 'I own this league and if that big-nosed wanker doesn't like it he can fuck off an' all.' She also stood by struggling striker Carlton 'shit-for-brains' Cole, guaranteeing his place in the squad until 'at least the next gameweek, otherwise we'll lose four points.'

10th December 15.18
Team Hatchmiester chairman Shackleberry Gizlington has finally broken his silence over contreversial comments made towards unknown bottom of the table club Cacks Glory XI. in a wild and, perhaps, acid fueled press conference Gizlington slurred 'I cant believe there has been so much debate! its like the UN discussing Moldova's attempt at taking over Russia! i personally dont think he's worth the oxygen it takes to discuss such matters!' Gizlington, who's side sit comfortably third in the distinguished lamb invitational, added ' I'm going to treat Mr Chatfield like my gay son. I'm going to show him no support and ignore him!'
Stefan Von Kinkladze - The Brislington Bugler

17th December 15.03
"That f**ker is a lying ginger c*nt" splurted Team Hatchmiester chairman Shackleberry Gizlington, spilling his goblet of pigs blood. "How can that useless little pr*ck accuse my man of fraud when he has managed to get himself a job at marlborough college!" the outburst was, of course, aimed at Joe's Mercenaries manager Joe Skeaping who, this week, claimed that Team Hatchmiester manager Jon Hatch released a statement to the press pretending to be him. "Fraud? the man is top of the Lamb Invitational! thats not only fraud thats theft!" So far no one in the Joes Mercenaries camp has been available to comment, prompting many other chairmans and managers in the global phenomenon that is the Lamb Invitational to suggest that they may be scared.
Derick Vin Diesel - Clifton Chronicle

19th December 13.13
After a dignified period of silence following the unhinged outburst of Shackleberry Gizlington OBE (services to the hardcore pornography trade), Mercenaries Chairperson Gladys Muckracker defended her manager Joe Skeaping in an interview with an offshore pirate radio station. "He's come from nowhere, a terrible school on an outlying Swindon estate to becomea leading fantasy league manager and an accomplished and rigorous history teacher, rated a resounding 'satisfatory' in a recent Ofsted survey."Her eyes now bulging out of her head, she then launched an unprecedented attack on Gizlington: "I'll tell you this, when that lanky dicksucker said what he said about a man like Mr Skeaping, he went down in my estimation. If he tries to pull a stunt like that again, I'm going to put a gun up his arse and pull the trigger until it goes 'click'".
Carlton Cole was unavailable for comment.

13th March 18.52
Enigmatic Team Hatchmiester chairman Shackleberry Gizlington has launched a sensation attack on champions and the team currently in the best form Glazed Ham FC, accsing them of using banned substances to aid there ascent up the table.'There is definately something dodgy going on' spluttered Gizlington whilst chewing on a human arm. 'They must be injecting steroids into ther glazed ham feasts because no one is that good!' Gizlington, commonly known as the Ede Armene of the footballing world then went on a highly anti-semetic rant about 'Hams owner. 'He is a hooked nosed, money grabbing c*nt' Gizlington exclaimed before fainting from too much cannibalism.Hamstienberg was unavailable for comment.
Collinder Vin Mclintoc - www.footballerssaythefunniestthings.com

20th March 17.58
Speaking exclusively to Glazed Ham Weekly about Gizlington's outburst.Hamsteinberg stated "These outrageous comments by their chairman are totally unfounded, whilst it is true that we have recently employed Dwain Chambers as our new sprint coach, we can assure you that no drugs being used. We have found the occasional use of Sherbet Double Dips directly injected into the sphincter can enhance the performance of a player by 50%."Upon hearing the anti-semetic comments directed at him, Hamsteinberg decided to fight fire with fire."Well that Jipsy cunt can go fuck himself, maybe he can go tarmac some fields and have some more kids with his sister.", Hamsteinberg was referring to Gizlington's jipsy roots, where he grew up in a caravan in Jipsy city off the M4 near swindon.After his attack Hamsteinberg left to finalize a new deal for superstar Marlon Harewood, which is rumored to be worth 200,000 pounds of ham a week.

21st March 11.18
Head of the LIFL Lamb Invitational Football League, Maurice Mont-Guntolac today came out to make a statement about the racist comments made by chairmen Shackleberry Gizlington and Hamsteinberg of Glazed Ham."When I heard that two managers from my league came out and made comments such as this, I felt shocked. I was shocked that they did not push the envelope enough. Gizlington had not even commented on Hamsteinberg's power hungry nature and clawed hands. "Obviously I was pleased that a response was forthcoming, there is nothing worse than provoking someone with racist insults, only for them to ignore you like a big scared girlie fuck. However, again, the conservative nature of this league's managers was evident. Gizlington was not even mentioned in the same sentence as tax dodging, crystal balls or even illicit bare knuckle boxing."

27th March 8.19
After remaining quiet for some time it is apparent that Hank Olof Berserker has joined the fray of heated debates going on in the Lamb invitational. After a scheduled managers meeting in a pub of choice (The Queens Gunt). HOB (outrageously drunk on sambuca and jagermeister straight up) is reported to have taunted Hamsteinberg after they finished 2 points behing Whack Hammer in the Game Week. "Hey Hamstenberg" Hob is recalled saying "Check this out", before launching a huge greeny into the bottom of Hamsteinbergs pint of fosters and baileys mix. Hamsteinberg reportedly lunged for HOB before Gas Lipstick (The drummer from H.I.M) stepped in the way knocking him out with instant effect. Further to this HOB went on to splutter to all other managers in the league, getting up on a table with a loud speaker and chanting over and over "needle dick, needle dick, needle dick!"- Soon after HOB was escorted off the premises by the police and spent the night in a cell.(Malfred Jerk-wanger-Shlonge reporting - Footballer's tackles magazine)

April 3rd 00.34
Tragedy struck the ground breaking Lamb Invitational today when news surfaced that Whack Hammer Chairman Hank Olof Berzerker's best mate Gas Lipstick (The drummer from H.I.M) had been eaten by Team Hatchmiester chairman Shackleberry Gizzlington. Mr. Gizzlington has now been sectioned after he appeared wearing only a zebra skin loin cloth at the top of canary wharf with one of Mr. Lipstick's eyeballs screaming 'I'm King Kong you bastards!' before proceeding to try and chew his way downwards through the building. Acting Team Hatchmiester chairperson Lesley Stumprape issued this statement: 'We are deeply sorry to Mr. Berserker, Mr Ville Valo (the singer from H.I.M), Mrs. Lipstick and Gas Lipstick JR. Mr Gizzlington has been struggling with his hunger for human flesh for some time now. It is just unfortunate that when it finally took over him he was with such a distinguished member of society, and not some homeless mutant.' Rumour has it that Mr. Lipstick was debating whether to become Mr. Gizzlington's best mate instead of Mr. Beserker but changed his mind. So far no one from Whack Hammer F.C. Has been available for comment.Collie
Mahon Von Ticklytits - The Guardian

23rd April 21.13
After being utterly shocked and loosing faith in the world. Whack hammers chairman H.O.B has come back at Gas' funeral with some strong words over his ex best mate G.Lipstick and mega rival Mr S. Gizzlington. "Gas was a big name in the field" "his sheer whit and determination to succeed will be sorely missed" before launching in to an uncontrollable swearing rant over his rival. "what that C**t did to him will be avenged I tell you!"if Gizzlington thinks he can go around and just eat human flesh, well he's got another thing coming!" shortly after Mrs lipstick launched into tears and Olof Berserker was once again escorted off the premises by police for swearing at a funeral.Mervin Dickschwanger - Footballing funerals magazine

20th May 12.09
As Mercenaries Chairperson Gladys Muckraker lies dying from AIDS or something, the acting Supremo, youthful Dwight "Reg" Butters has called upon the boys to give it one last push and clinch the title.Butters commented 'Its been a season of two halves, and frankly we've been as shit as Atletico Smith in the second half, but the boys have got to close it out for Gladys.' He also stressed 'It ain't over 'til its over', quashing rumours that Muckraker has placed an order for 5000 tons of bunting, 200 magnums of champagne and a street and an open top bus parade through Marlborough High Street.

22nd May 23.09
at the other end of the table, rumours are running wild about the state of Second Ball. A report in todays Daily Fascist claims that a number of changes have been made to the playing staff at the club, with an emphasis on youth, with the guiding hand of "big" marlon harewood upfront.The report goes onto suggest that chairman Josef Fritzl has infact sold the club to Russian oligarch Andrei Rapestingovic. Rapestingovic is well known in the football world for his outrageous transfer habits. He did have this to say."I spend on futures. These big players? They dont care 'bout club. they only concern for bank accounts, i want players who love badge, love footballings clubs."When asked about the point penalties, he said"I think biggest achievements we will make is to come below chatfields. he is shites and it would be honour to be worsts than hims"

23rd May 18.23
With just one day until D-Day, Hank Olof Berserker had just a few words of wisdom to sum up the season. Speaking from his Prison cell which he failed to escape from since his last outburst at his best mate Gas Lipsticks (the drummer from H.I.M)Funeral. HOB said it had been a season of many ups and downs But only one constant force remained in the top half which ultimately is Whack Hammer United and not Joes Mercenaries. "All fairness to the chap running the top team but at the end of the day its all because of a huge donation from Alaskan Oil Merchant Geoff Stelling, which enabled the Mercenaries to keep on top of things, thereby securing the best deals throughout the season". With the final day of football to come it would appear almost impossible for anyone to catch the Mercenaries unless of course the Mantonian based club could throw a spanner in the works? After seeing another fellow manager using the classic 'Marlon Harewood tactic'. Hob congratulated Second Ball on having the courage to pull it off at such a late stage of the season. " I cannot wait to see how the team lineup will project for the second ballers final day" Hob is recalled saying. "I just hope that for the sake of good order Marlon himself is made captain to liven things up".

24th May 1.23
Second Ball spokesman and physiotherapist, fictional South Park character Randy Marsh had this to say after hearing such kind words from Hank. "I would like to thank Hank and congratulate him for whack hammer's performance this season. While this season has largely been forgettable since their peak around December, Second Ball would like to finish in the most memorable way we can. I can guarantee that people will be talking about us as much as whoever is crowned champions."

25th May 17.53
As the dust settles after an explosive year of fantasy football acting Team Hatchmiester chairperson leslie stumprape was downbeat about the state of the club "Since the incident with Mr. Gizlington eating Gas Lipstick (the drummer from H.I.M.) our form took a nose dive. Alot of the players saw it as a heroic act and started to mimick mr gizlington. In fact the reason why ronaldo got sold is because he ate carlton coles foot!"She went on to congratulate Joe's Mercenaries "they fought a hell of a campaign. i think everyone was a little suprised with how well they did" Stumprape did however attack Hank Olof Beserker for his recent behaviour "that man is a piece of shit! always moaning 'oooh im so sad my best friend got eaten' get over it you nasty little prick!" She then announced that sje would be stepping down "I dont even like fucking football!" before launching herself off a 40 story building, landing on 1980's supergroup Toto killing everyone onvolved instantly. The gathered press agreed it was for the best.
Tammy Mackalackashackalack - www.ithinkiminlovewithacamel.com

So there you are. Once again I'd like to emphasise that these aren't the contributers actual views they are fictional charaters. Hope you enjoyed them.

Where Have You Been All My Life?

Hello Folks. Sorry for my unbelievably lazy and slack approach to this ever popular blog. I've been extremely busy what with getting a new job as a cheeky Dickensian pick-pocket and eating grapes while lying in bed watching re runs of the apprentice like some sort of sloth monster. I thought I'd get on it since I'm currently in a catatonically hung over state and doing anything else would involve moving. I received some feedback saying that i needed some visual stimuli on the blog so i put up a picture of a cabbage. I hope you're bloody happy!

Anyway two more blogs this time about the similar subjects of The Wire and swine flu. I hope you enjoy them and thank you for supporting me in my profession change.

Swine Flu

‘Jon I’m sending you some healthy products which are supposed to build up your immune system affectively. It’s just what with this Swine Flu going round I’m worried about you and need to know you’re as healthy as possible.’ Bless my mum always looking out for me. And as sweet and generous and caring that gesture was from my lovely mother I couldn’t help but feel a little sad that she’d been swept into the swine flu panic.

Now don’t get me wrong I am absolutely not denying that swine flu could turn into something potentially nasty. And I’m not sniffing at the fact that people have lost friends and family to the illness. But the Black Death it ain’t. So why does our media seem determined to make it seem like it’s an unstoppable plague that is going to kill you and everyone around you?

Firstly this is all a little too familiar. Remember the dreaded SARS pandemic. The illness was essentially just a slightly more contagious strong cold, but the world’s media went nuts. I remember one particularly harrowing story about a man in Canada who missed his daughter’s wedding because he was quarantined in his house. The news made it out in the report that he was on deaths door and that he was scared he’d never see his daughter again. Being slightly younger (surprisingly) and more naive then I am now that scared me until I thought about it logically. Surely if he was on his way to meet his maker they would postpone the wedding, or at the very least the honeymoon, and make sure he was alright. It was one of the first times I started to really question what we were being told about the world in the media. In the aftermath of the dreadful SARS pandemic a statistic revealed that in the period that SARS was at large more people died from falling down the stairs.

Around 30,000 people die from regular flu in the USA a year (although obviously this can be a factor and not always the direct cause). Most of these people have poor immune systems and their bodies just can’t handle it. It’s a nasty illness as I’m sure everyone who reads this is aware. But deaths of this kind aren’t published on the front page of newspapers or at the top of news bulletins. Since Swine Flu emerged around a month ago two people have died from it in the USA, one of them being a 26 month old baby. Of course that’s tragic but clearly a baby’s immune system isn’t fully formed and any particularly nasty common illness could potentially kill a baby. What is the Medias obsession, as well, with leading a story with a death count? When swine flu first emerged on pretty much every front page they said something along the lines of ‘512 People Die Of Swine Flu In Mexico’ it wasn’t until you got about half way through the article that they said 26 people were confirmed of dyeing from the illness. So basically the front page was a lie and it ropes people into panic like my mum did. In fact the figure of confirmed deaths is at 48 in Mexico. The Sun couldn’t even be bothered to call it swine flu just in case the readers didn’t get the swine reference. They just called it pig flu. Idiots!

The Media does this far too often. I remember a couple of days after Hurricane Katrina hit some idiot from FEMA (who were partly responsible for the loss of life anyway) told reporters that they feared that over 100,000 people had died. The print media went crazy and ran the figures. Obviously at that point people around the world could not know that this was completely false. In fact it was a suspected 1,836 people who died. This is a horrendously tragic number of people but imagine the people around the USA who had family or friends in New Orleans and they here 100,000 people have died. They must have given up hope.

The way I see it with the economic downturn seemingly bottoming out and now slowly climbing again the papers became bored with the story. Not enough gloom. After a few feeble attempts to get it going again they jumped on the first disaster story they could. Scaring half the world to death into the point where some began panic buying tinned goods to batten down the hatches and hide till it’s over like it was some sort of zombie invasion. Meanwhile hundreds of people are dying in the civil war in Sri Lanka, the cholera outbreak in Zimbabwe is not under control and soldiers and civilians are still being killed every day in Afghanistan and Iraq. Let alone the ongoing famine in Africa. I’m not preaching I’m just trying to point out that there really are more pressing issues then swine flu.

The pandemic is now taking a back seat to the ridiculous MP expenses story which seems to be getting more and more ridiculous as it develops. So suddenly we’re not all going to die which is nice but look at those greedy bloody MP’s eh? It’s a ridiculous state of affairs when the media can be so fickle with stories which are supposedly going to affect everyone. Do they just think that British people are so self centred that we won’t care about story unless it directly affects our lifestyle? Because it’s not true.

So thank you Mum for the immune builder type things. But I’m not going to change my behaviour and my lifestyle because of swine flu. And neither should anyone else.

How The Wire Ruined My Already Pathetic Little Life

I used to be so social. ‘Hey Jon we’re going for a pint after work. Wanna come?’ ‘Sure mate count me in!’ ‘Hey Jon we’re going to go throw cashews at squirrels in the park.’ ‘I’m there!’ Then one fateful day last summer a friend said ‘hey man. Gonna start watching the Wire starting from season one. Would you care to join me?’ At that point I should have said ‘no thanks mate. It’s a nice day I’m going to take a nice walk around the harbour and maybe pick up some falafel.’ Unfortunately I said ‘Yeah okay. I’ve heard very good things about it.’ At that point my life changed irreversibly.

Fast forward 7 months and I am completing the 5th series of The Wire for the 3rd time! That’s one hundred and eighty hours of the last 7 months sat in front of my computer, mostly on my own, revelling at undeniably the greatest show of all time. That’s approximately 51 minutes a day on average watching the television equivalent of crack cocaine. And considering I’ve been employed and getting the good eight hours in that whole time makes those statistics even harder to swallow.

I’m not going to bore you with why the show is so good. If you watch it you know already and if you don’t I’m sure you’ve been told 495,861 times by annoying little toe rags such as myself. The show has ruined my life on two different fronts so if your reading this and are planning to start watching it consider this a warning. If you have watched it then I’m sure some of you will share my pain.

I used to love television. During my days as a student I would literally watch any old crap. I studied Film so I would constantly be picking movies apart while watching them, but television was different. My whole house (all guys) would sit down together to watch the Eastenders, Hollyoaks and Neighbours. If I was too broke or too burnt out to get plastered I’d regularly watch shows such as The Bill, Holby City and Judge John Deed. It was nice easy to digest television. It didn’t matter that the acting was bad or the storylines were preposterous, you could sit there and go numb for a little while. The ‘credible’ dramas I did like such as Lost, Heroes and West Wing I thought were genius. Hard to top in terms of good television. Then The Wire came along.

Now I can’t watch anything remotely serious without comparing it to The Wire. Started watching The Shield, great show but gave up after half a series to start watching The Wire again. Michael Chicklis’s testicle-esque face just started irritating me and I wanted to go back to McNulty’s questionable accent and bad drunk acting. Attempted to watch the latest series of Spooks as I’d heard from many peers that it was terrific. ‘What did you think?’ ‘It’s not The Wire is it?’ The amount I’ve used that bloody sentence since starting to watch the show is ridiculous. I feel like such a pretentious little fuckwit.

It’s not just drama’s either. It’s pretty much any television show. I’ll be watching Big Cat Week or something (have a weird attraction to that really posh zoologist) and just think ‘I’m wasting my time. I could be knee deep in Baltimore juice right now.’ Bit of a weird analogy but hey I’m tired.

Unfortunately it doesn’t just affect my television habits. It’s trickled into my personal life. Friends will be rather irritated when I reveal that at least half a dozen times I’ve turned down invitations to go for beers or whatever to watch the show. No television show has ever affected my decisions whether to get drunk or not. Usually it’s just a resounding ‘See you there mate!’ But while I’m in Wire mode the thought of getting blind drunk and hitting on lampposts and other such inanimate of objects suddenly looses a little bit of appeal.

And then when I’m out having a drink with other people who’ve watched The Wire all you end up talking about is the fucking Wire! You could’ve known the person all your life and have millions of thing to talk about but you don’t. With one particular friend the amount of times we’ve said ‘Lets not get into it’ and realise 3 hours later we haven’t talked about anything else is a little pathetic. I mean you could be going to talk to the person to reveal that you’re sleeping with their sibling but completely forget once The Wire’s mentioned. It’s a very sad state of affairs!

After you’ve watched it you’re suddenly a criminal law expert. Or at least you think you are only to talk pompously to someone studying or practising law for your knowledge to be totally dissected. In fact from my experience, perhaps subconsciously, if you’ve seen it you carry a very slight superiority complex and subsequently sound like an arrogant twat when talking about it with someone who has never watched it. The shame!

So be warned. Yes it is undeniably one of the finest television shows of all time and yes it is horribly addictive and yes you will be inconsolable when you’ve finished watching it. But it may ruin your life. You could be a suave big city man about town who likes nothing more than stuffing canapés into your elegant face while sipping Santana champagne and chatting up ball gown clad young women, or you could be a sociopathic alcoholic who likes nothing better than putting on your finest Primark white shirt, catching syphilis off some ropey at best women and kicking to sacks of shit out of someone who disagrees with your preference of football team. The moment The Wire takes hold you’ll become a sad little loner just like me.