Fantasy Football Forums

I know, I know! A new blog only a week after the last one! It's basically because I have no life. I'm currently watching Britains Got Talent for goodness sake! (Jamie Pugh's lost it!) Now I didn't write most of the content I'm about to present. I have been aided by several friends of mine. Lets set the scene. Basically I take part in an online fantasy football league with a group of my friends and there is a forum which everyone writes on. If you don't like football bear with it as its not about football really at all. I also need to point out that the views expressed are entirely fictional and the people that wrote them are not like that. So without further ado here are the Lamb Invitational forums. Enjoy!

10th September 12.41
New Team Hatchmiester chairman Shakleberry Gizlington has expressed shock and dissapointment at the start which his fellow Ramsbury clubs have made in the world famous Lamb Invitational. 'Its an embaressment! last season 4 of the top 5 were Ramsbury teams. this season so far all of the bottom 6 are ramsbury boys! they're giving the village an awful name!' He went on to attack the new boys The Super Toads. 'Flash in the pan. thats all they are. a glorified flash in the pan almost like the darkness! they'll be at the bottom quicker then you can say Guntadon!' So far no other club has been available for comment.

10th September 18.59
New chairman of whack hammer united fc, Hank Olof Berserker, known by many as H.O.B especially by his best mate 'GAS lipstick' (the drummer from H.I.M) would like to take this opportunity to formally introduce himself. Hi. Apparently Hob has replied to Shakleberry gizlington over the phone to "see you next tuesday". "These are still early days and one must not dither on early standings in the championship race as things could change as quickly as Michael Jacksons next horrendous face lift!"A rather rude remark from the newby also suggested that he was disappointed with the rising number of gunts on show at football matches. His reasons suggested that more seats were being taken up by bigger people who were taking up two seats and restricting the number of ticket sales which is restricting the profits that should end up in his back pocket for a spot of gambling or a trip to Amsterdam for him to enjoy himself.

11th September 17.51
Glazed Ham FC's new owner/chairman Jewish billionaire Dr Jeremiah Hamsteinberg has officially completed his takeover of the club. Hamsteinberg made his fortune in his international ham trading company, known as 'Ham-Corp', who incidentally will be the club's shirt sponsor this season. Upon hearing about Gizlington's outburst, Hamsteinberg kindly replied "I fully agree with Mr Gizlington. As two time champions, this club has a responsibility represent the village in a positive manner. I intend to talk with the manager and provide him with funds in order to take the club back to where it belongs. Right at the top !". Rapturous applause followed from all the journalists, who were obviously impressed by the rich Jew. Dr Hamsteinberg has recently outlined plans for takeaway glazed ham stalls at all Lamb invitational games, as well as plans to help the club establish itself as the most famous club in the whole of Wiltshire.
Chief football writer, Benjamin Baconscrot, GHTV

19th October 17.09
"I fucked up" were the clear words from the half Swedish half Texan chairman of whack hammer united fc last night whilst discussing the current season on the late edition of filthy soccer radio. His disappointment was shown along with his new first team coach and HOBs close friend Gas Lipstick (the drummer from H.I.M),who also stated that the decision to leave danger man zaki out of the squad replaced by Carlton Cole was about as helpful as giving Gary glitter the keys to a nursery.
More to follow on filthy soccer radio.

27th October 11.32
We will prevail!",this is the message that headlined the Pogatetz Gazzette this morning after The Super Toads have now risen and returned to the position in which none can argue they rightfully deserve. Manager "Bertie Bullfrog" was every bit the optimistic and charasmatic figure we know and love in his post match interview, although some did not appreciate remarks made towards faultering rivals "Team Hatchmeister" due to their obscene content, this is the war cry of a highly competitive and successful coach. Time will only tell which of the chasing pack have what it takes to challenge the "Bullforg-Super toad" combination that contains such knowledge and quality.
Rodney Marsh,St Matts sports review

27th October 13.59
Team Hatchmiester chairman Shakleberry Gizlington has responded to Bertie Bullfrogs comments aim towards his team with the calm and composure you'd expect from a 3 time world darts champion. 'I learnt from my days at the old lakeside that if someone tries to get in your face you should just turn the other cheek... unless they have darts in there hand.' Gizzlington went on to say 'The Supertoads are everything thats wrong about this great sport. brash, cocky and most importantly overconfident. we'll see who's on top come the end of the season.' He also used the words 'twisted little fuck' and 'i saw him felate his grandfather once' but this was off the record so therefore not publishable.
Stelios Von Collander, Southville Football Frenzy Fanzine

7th November 18.15
Glazed Ham Weekly - the informative ham magazine £2.50This week in Glazed Ham Weekly, "How Cured Ham Cured My Cancer".
PLUS interesting conspiracy theories, such as there actually being millions of pounds worth of Glazed Jew Ham stolen from the Nazi's and kept in Swiss banks.
LEGEND of the Pork sword. An Ancient tale suspects that beneath Buckingham Palace there is actually an ancient shrine to Glazed Ham guarded for generations by the Queens ancestory. It is said that deep underneath the palace lays the legendary Pork Sword. Legend says that the one who slays the Queen with the Pork Sword will reign as King and live forever.
EXCLUSIVE interviews with Glazed Ham FC chairman Dr Jeremiah Hamsteinberg on his teams slow start and the Glazed Ham Guzzler himself Marlon Harewood talks about how glazed ham changed his life.
Steven Sausagerington, Editor of Glazed Ham Weekly

9 December 13.10
A spokesman for the Bottom Of The Table Owners and Managers union (BOTTOM) roundly condemned calls from some managers for Jack Chatfield to withdraw his team. In response to Joe Skeaping's request for a 'case for the defence', he retorted that 'perhaps those against Chatfield should look at his performance for the last gameweek. He came fourth'.The spokesman also reacted angrily to James Leake's claim of 'being mid table', saying 'he's one of us', and added that 'no one wants to be part of BOTTOM but we're there for when things go wrong. Some of the managers who have had some luck recently may be joining us fairly soon'. In a thinly-veiled reference to the unlikely stint at the top for Joe's Mercenaries, he reminded the press conference of 'the well known saying in football: pride comes before a Skeaping'

9 December 14.54
As Chatfield-gate enters its second week, Mercenaries Chairperson Gladys Muckraker shrugged off demands to restrain her intemperate language and conduct, issuing a further attack on the struggling manager Jack Chatfield. 'I don't know who the fuck he is', said the foul-mouthed millionairess from Birkenhead, 'but I wouldn't piss on the bastard if he was on fire.' Meanwhile she celebrated the Mercenaries strong start to the campaign by throwing big piles of cash into the air and shouting, in comments directed at an unknown club manager, 'I own this league and if that big-nosed wanker doesn't like it he can fuck off an' all.' She also stood by struggling striker Carlton 'shit-for-brains' Cole, guaranteeing his place in the squad until 'at least the next gameweek, otherwise we'll lose four points.'

10th December 15.18
Team Hatchmiester chairman Shackleberry Gizlington has finally broken his silence over contreversial comments made towards unknown bottom of the table club Cacks Glory XI. in a wild and, perhaps, acid fueled press conference Gizlington slurred 'I cant believe there has been so much debate! its like the UN discussing Moldova's attempt at taking over Russia! i personally dont think he's worth the oxygen it takes to discuss such matters!' Gizlington, who's side sit comfortably third in the distinguished lamb invitational, added ' I'm going to treat Mr Chatfield like my gay son. I'm going to show him no support and ignore him!'
Stefan Von Kinkladze - The Brislington Bugler

17th December 15.03
"That f**ker is a lying ginger c*nt" splurted Team Hatchmiester chairman Shackleberry Gizlington, spilling his goblet of pigs blood. "How can that useless little pr*ck accuse my man of fraud when he has managed to get himself a job at marlborough college!" the outburst was, of course, aimed at Joe's Mercenaries manager Joe Skeaping who, this week, claimed that Team Hatchmiester manager Jon Hatch released a statement to the press pretending to be him. "Fraud? the man is top of the Lamb Invitational! thats not only fraud thats theft!" So far no one in the Joes Mercenaries camp has been available to comment, prompting many other chairmans and managers in the global phenomenon that is the Lamb Invitational to suggest that they may be scared.
Derick Vin Diesel - Clifton Chronicle

19th December 13.13
After a dignified period of silence following the unhinged outburst of Shackleberry Gizlington OBE (services to the hardcore pornography trade), Mercenaries Chairperson Gladys Muckracker defended her manager Joe Skeaping in an interview with an offshore pirate radio station. "He's come from nowhere, a terrible school on an outlying Swindon estate to becomea leading fantasy league manager and an accomplished and rigorous history teacher, rated a resounding 'satisfatory' in a recent Ofsted survey."Her eyes now bulging out of her head, she then launched an unprecedented attack on Gizlington: "I'll tell you this, when that lanky dicksucker said what he said about a man like Mr Skeaping, he went down in my estimation. If he tries to pull a stunt like that again, I'm going to put a gun up his arse and pull the trigger until it goes 'click'".
Carlton Cole was unavailable for comment.

13th March 18.52
Enigmatic Team Hatchmiester chairman Shackleberry Gizlington has launched a sensation attack on champions and the team currently in the best form Glazed Ham FC, accsing them of using banned substances to aid there ascent up the table.'There is definately something dodgy going on' spluttered Gizlington whilst chewing on a human arm. 'They must be injecting steroids into ther glazed ham feasts because no one is that good!' Gizlington, commonly known as the Ede Armene of the footballing world then went on a highly anti-semetic rant about 'Hams owner. 'He is a hooked nosed, money grabbing c*nt' Gizlington exclaimed before fainting from too much cannibalism.Hamstienberg was unavailable for comment.
Collinder Vin Mclintoc - www.footballerssaythefunniestthings.com

20th March 17.58
Speaking exclusively to Glazed Ham Weekly about Gizlington's outburst.Hamsteinberg stated "These outrageous comments by their chairman are totally unfounded, whilst it is true that we have recently employed Dwain Chambers as our new sprint coach, we can assure you that no drugs being used. We have found the occasional use of Sherbet Double Dips directly injected into the sphincter can enhance the performance of a player by 50%."Upon hearing the anti-semetic comments directed at him, Hamsteinberg decided to fight fire with fire."Well that Jipsy cunt can go fuck himself, maybe he can go tarmac some fields and have some more kids with his sister.", Hamsteinberg was referring to Gizlington's jipsy roots, where he grew up in a caravan in Jipsy city off the M4 near swindon.After his attack Hamsteinberg left to finalize a new deal for superstar Marlon Harewood, which is rumored to be worth 200,000 pounds of ham a week.

21st March 11.18
Head of the LIFL Lamb Invitational Football League, Maurice Mont-Guntolac today came out to make a statement about the racist comments made by chairmen Shackleberry Gizlington and Hamsteinberg of Glazed Ham."When I heard that two managers from my league came out and made comments such as this, I felt shocked. I was shocked that they did not push the envelope enough. Gizlington had not even commented on Hamsteinberg's power hungry nature and clawed hands. "Obviously I was pleased that a response was forthcoming, there is nothing worse than provoking someone with racist insults, only for them to ignore you like a big scared girlie fuck. However, again, the conservative nature of this league's managers was evident. Gizlington was not even mentioned in the same sentence as tax dodging, crystal balls or even illicit bare knuckle boxing."

27th March 8.19
After remaining quiet for some time it is apparent that Hank Olof Berserker has joined the fray of heated debates going on in the Lamb invitational. After a scheduled managers meeting in a pub of choice (The Queens Gunt). HOB (outrageously drunk on sambuca and jagermeister straight up) is reported to have taunted Hamsteinberg after they finished 2 points behing Whack Hammer in the Game Week. "Hey Hamstenberg" Hob is recalled saying "Check this out", before launching a huge greeny into the bottom of Hamsteinbergs pint of fosters and baileys mix. Hamsteinberg reportedly lunged for HOB before Gas Lipstick (The drummer from H.I.M) stepped in the way knocking him out with instant effect. Further to this HOB went on to splutter to all other managers in the league, getting up on a table with a loud speaker and chanting over and over "needle dick, needle dick, needle dick!"- Soon after HOB was escorted off the premises by the police and spent the night in a cell.(Malfred Jerk-wanger-Shlonge reporting - Footballer's tackles magazine)

April 3rd 00.34
Tragedy struck the ground breaking Lamb Invitational today when news surfaced that Whack Hammer Chairman Hank Olof Berzerker's best mate Gas Lipstick (The drummer from H.I.M) had been eaten by Team Hatchmiester chairman Shackleberry Gizzlington. Mr. Gizzlington has now been sectioned after he appeared wearing only a zebra skin loin cloth at the top of canary wharf with one of Mr. Lipstick's eyeballs screaming 'I'm King Kong you bastards!' before proceeding to try and chew his way downwards through the building. Acting Team Hatchmiester chairperson Lesley Stumprape issued this statement: 'We are deeply sorry to Mr. Berserker, Mr Ville Valo (the singer from H.I.M), Mrs. Lipstick and Gas Lipstick JR. Mr Gizzlington has been struggling with his hunger for human flesh for some time now. It is just unfortunate that when it finally took over him he was with such a distinguished member of society, and not some homeless mutant.' Rumour has it that Mr. Lipstick was debating whether to become Mr. Gizzlington's best mate instead of Mr. Beserker but changed his mind. So far no one from Whack Hammer F.C. Has been available for comment.Collie
Mahon Von Ticklytits - The Guardian

23rd April 21.13
After being utterly shocked and loosing faith in the world. Whack hammers chairman H.O.B has come back at Gas' funeral with some strong words over his ex best mate G.Lipstick and mega rival Mr S. Gizzlington. "Gas was a big name in the field" "his sheer whit and determination to succeed will be sorely missed" before launching in to an uncontrollable swearing rant over his rival. "what that C**t did to him will be avenged I tell you!"if Gizzlington thinks he can go around and just eat human flesh, well he's got another thing coming!" shortly after Mrs lipstick launched into tears and Olof Berserker was once again escorted off the premises by police for swearing at a funeral.Mervin Dickschwanger - Footballing funerals magazine

20th May 12.09
As Mercenaries Chairperson Gladys Muckraker lies dying from AIDS or something, the acting Supremo, youthful Dwight "Reg" Butters has called upon the boys to give it one last push and clinch the title.Butters commented 'Its been a season of two halves, and frankly we've been as shit as Atletico Smith in the second half, but the boys have got to close it out for Gladys.' He also stressed 'It ain't over 'til its over', quashing rumours that Muckraker has placed an order for 5000 tons of bunting, 200 magnums of champagne and a street and an open top bus parade through Marlborough High Street.

22nd May 23.09
at the other end of the table, rumours are running wild about the state of Second Ball. A report in todays Daily Fascist claims that a number of changes have been made to the playing staff at the club, with an emphasis on youth, with the guiding hand of "big" marlon harewood upfront.The report goes onto suggest that chairman Josef Fritzl has infact sold the club to Russian oligarch Andrei Rapestingovic. Rapestingovic is well known in the football world for his outrageous transfer habits. He did have this to say."I spend on futures. These big players? They dont care 'bout club. they only concern for bank accounts, i want players who love badge, love footballings clubs."When asked about the point penalties, he said"I think biggest achievements we will make is to come below chatfields. he is shites and it would be honour to be worsts than hims"

23rd May 18.23
With just one day until D-Day, Hank Olof Berserker had just a few words of wisdom to sum up the season. Speaking from his Prison cell which he failed to escape from since his last outburst at his best mate Gas Lipsticks (the drummer from H.I.M)Funeral. HOB said it had been a season of many ups and downs But only one constant force remained in the top half which ultimately is Whack Hammer United and not Joes Mercenaries. "All fairness to the chap running the top team but at the end of the day its all because of a huge donation from Alaskan Oil Merchant Geoff Stelling, which enabled the Mercenaries to keep on top of things, thereby securing the best deals throughout the season". With the final day of football to come it would appear almost impossible for anyone to catch the Mercenaries unless of course the Mantonian based club could throw a spanner in the works? After seeing another fellow manager using the classic 'Marlon Harewood tactic'. Hob congratulated Second Ball on having the courage to pull it off at such a late stage of the season. " I cannot wait to see how the team lineup will project for the second ballers final day" Hob is recalled saying. "I just hope that for the sake of good order Marlon himself is made captain to liven things up".

24th May 1.23
Second Ball spokesman and physiotherapist, fictional South Park character Randy Marsh had this to say after hearing such kind words from Hank. "I would like to thank Hank and congratulate him for whack hammer's performance this season. While this season has largely been forgettable since their peak around December, Second Ball would like to finish in the most memorable way we can. I can guarantee that people will be talking about us as much as whoever is crowned champions."

25th May 17.53
As the dust settles after an explosive year of fantasy football acting Team Hatchmiester chairperson leslie stumprape was downbeat about the state of the club "Since the incident with Mr. Gizlington eating Gas Lipstick (the drummer from H.I.M.) our form took a nose dive. Alot of the players saw it as a heroic act and started to mimick mr gizlington. In fact the reason why ronaldo got sold is because he ate carlton coles foot!"She went on to congratulate Joe's Mercenaries "they fought a hell of a campaign. i think everyone was a little suprised with how well they did" Stumprape did however attack Hank Olof Beserker for his recent behaviour "that man is a piece of shit! always moaning 'oooh im so sad my best friend got eaten' get over it you nasty little prick!" She then announced that sje would be stepping down "I dont even like fucking football!" before launching herself off a 40 story building, landing on 1980's supergroup Toto killing everyone onvolved instantly. The gathered press agreed it was for the best.
Tammy Mackalackashackalack - www.ithinkiminlovewithacamel.com

So there you are. Once again I'd like to emphasise that these aren't the contributers actual views they are fictional charaters. Hope you enjoyed them.