LOL!!!

‘Lol I think we must’ve missed each other lol’ Now is the second lol really necessary? If you insist on ‘lol’ing surely with such a short sentence one lol would suffice? Or was the incident in which this sentence refers so side splittingly funny that the author burst in to laughter first at the thought of the incident and then upon the exclamation of the incident? And most importantly will lol eventually take over actual laughter in real life? I just have an image in my head of going to watch the latest movie starring Eddie Murphy and a fat suite and the whole of the delusional audience exclaiming ‘lol!’ At the site of Mr Murphy breaking wind. I think of these things and I die a little inside.

I enjoy facebook. On the most part it has been an extremely useful way of getting in touch with old friends, sharing amusing photos of drunk people jumping off things they wouldn’t jump off when they’re sober and generally giving my friends terrible banter in an attempt to embarrass them in front of people who aren’t ‘mutual friends’. I like the idea that it gives everyone a voice and encourages people to get involved with worthy causes, and I like the idea that it’s non-discriminating and promotes multiculturalism. What I don’t like is fucking ‘lol’ing, ‘wtf’ing and ‘omg’ing.

Now, as was pointed out to me quite recently, ‘haha’ makes you sound like a drunken sailor (apparently) and ‘hehe’ing just makes you sound utterly ridiculous and a little bit creepy. There aren’t really any other ways of expressing your amusement without looking like a dick head. You could write ‘that’s so funny’ but then you just sound patronising and honestly who has the time. ‘wtf’ should not be used because an exclamation of this magnitude does not warrant an abbreviation. For example, in normal everyday conversation if you found out that Peter Andre was divorcing Katie Tits you wouldn’t blurt out ‘What the fuck!?!?!’ you’d probably say ‘that’s a shame’ or ‘who the hell cares’. However if you caught your brother sleeping with your wife you probably would shout ‘what the fuck!?!’ however. You almost certainly wouldn’t shout ‘WTF?’ And as for ‘omg’ essentially you’re using the lord’s name in vein so you’re being blasphemous and a dickhead.

If you’re having a bad day chances are at least 30% of your facebook ‘friends’ are having a bad day as well. The difference is they’re not telling everyone. If you’re having a bad day ring a friend, go for a drink and blub away to someone who genuinely cares. It is very unlikely that people are going to show sympathy, especially if you specify what’s wrong. Example time. If you change your status to ‘missed 2 trains and got shouted at by my boss my life’s shit!’ the person who has just caught there brother sleeping with his wife will throw his personal computer off a bridge out of sheer annoyance. Trust me, very few people care. The few that do are on the end of your mobile telephone.

No photo albums dedicated to new pets. I’m very happy that you’ve finally found love in the shape of a stupid little dog which never actually walks anywhere and wears a sweater but I don’t need to see 103 photos of the mutt with comments such as ‘lol sooo cute’ underneath. It makes me want to repeatedly hit my head against a brick wall until I can no longer think or act for myself, eventually dying poor and lonely in a third rate nursing home where the carers put make up on me whilst I sleep and swap round my colostomy bag with my drip, never remembering what happened before ‘the incident’.

I could go on but you all know the other problems. To be fair you can do what you want with facebook, I only say these things because I’m a pedantic bastard. I’m just expressing what countless hundreds of other pedantic bastards are thinking every time they see new photo albums called ‘Robert the parrot making me feel less shit about my life lol’. Don’t get me started on twitter!