A Question Of Sport

Imagine the scenario as a guy. You're out with your significant other and you're dragged along for a drink with another couple you've never met. As soon as you walk into the pub the girls are off. Its been a couple of months and they need to catch up on who's dating, who's fat, who terminated a pregnancy after finding out the father was in fact gay and had run off with someone who is a back-up dancer for Girls Aloud and other such stereotypical lady gossip. Unfortunately your imaginations been fried by the sordid video your friend e mailed to you earlier in the day so, in an attempt to ease the boredom, you try to talk to the other guy. 'So... Did you watch the game last night?' You wait with bated breath for the answer. It doesn't matter which game you're referring to. as long as he says 'yes' you know you've got at least half an hour of evening saving material stored up. This is it. Make or break time. Your mouth goes dry you start to shake. 'Nah I'm not really into sport.' That's it, night over you might as well be drinking alone, thinking how drunk you'd have to get your partner for her to do what you saw in that video. A nightmare scenario or what?

Now don't get me wrong I'm not some jock asshole who thinks any man who doesn't live and breath sport is a little pussy who deserves to be put in an abandon warehouse whilst the entire New Zealand rugby team hunt them down with tazers. A lot of my friends have no more interest in sport then Pete Docherty has with a cup of tea and a good night sleep. But when it comes to first meeting another guy in a situation when you have to talk to them the sport conversation is like a get out of jail free card. You really don't want to risk the double role otherwise it becomes less and less fun.

What i mean by my superb monopoly analogies is your next port of conversation if the dreaded 'I'm not in to sport' comes out. the subjects become more risky to discuss. Sport is sport. There are no different genres, sub genres and movements in sport. you don't have ska darts against grime darts its just darts. Music is the most natural thing to resort to, and its a tricky one. what if you literally despise his taste and have no interest in discussing different scratching techniques or guitar licks by bands you think disgrace the speakers they pump out of. Your fucked again! And you will naturally resort to judging him for being either overly pretentious or horrendously mis-informed. Time for another role.

Film and TV runs the same risks. As a horrible little film snob i try and avoid this because if that's the first proper conversation that i have with someone they will end up hating me. comedies a good shout but what if their idea of humour is a Mr Bean marathon followed by anything with Eddy Murphy in a fucking fat suite. Go back to thinking about that night you microwaved that cuddly toy. Better times.

Finally there's the most risky one. Politics. Best case scenario you agree on a couple of things and can have a relatively chilled debate about other things, which kills some time. Bad scenario he doesn't know much about politics and your back to square one. Worst case scenario it turns out the boy is the reincarnation of Hitler, says he moved away from London because there were far to many ethnics and guffaws about the night his mate Jeff slapped a black toilet attendant because he sprayed YSL on his wrist instead of John Paul Gaultier. At which point you run off to the toilet to throw up and try and wash the hatred of your hands and face.

Sport is just easier. a stepping stone if you will. If it turns out the stranger is big in to his rugby great! for me the girls can spend all night catching up I'm sorted. from rugby you can talk about Cipriani, whose dating Kelly Brooke who was married to Jason Statham. there you go you've eased into movies. See how this can work?

Many of my friends feel the same. One of them, in avid Middlesborough fan for reasons only he knows, sort out a group of guys, one of whom was in a Boro shirt, at Glastonbury! he then didn't want to leave because he'd finally found some inbred little bottom feeders just like him. another of my mates was telling me about the time he was at Global Gathering and ended up just chatting to some random in the bar about League One for 4 hours whilst gurning his motherloving tits off. bearing in mind the festival is less then 24 hours long that's pretty good going. A new colleague started at my work the other day. He saw me looking a the transfer deadline day news on BBC, asked me who'd gone where and there you go we were friends.

To those of you who don't like sport i have an idea. If you know a night like i described in the first paragraph is coming out just watch a game, any game, before it happens. Just to make sure there is a way to break the ice.